Red VS Blue VS Green
by Joshua The Evil Guy
Summary: One-shot. What if Xander, somehow, ended up in Blood Gulch Valley? In Green Armor? With Buffy, somehow, as his suit's AI? Set in the beginning of Season 5 of RvB, and Xander from Season 3/4.


Title: Red Versus Blue With Green

Author:Joshua

Disclaimer:Rooster Teeth, those wacky guys, are the ones that produce and pretty much make the machinima "Red Vs. Blue", which is based on HALO and HALO2 and that's distributed by X-Box and people. BtVS, the usual, Joss Whedon, Mutant/Enemy, blah, blah, blah, if I owned any thing it would still be free but I don't so it doesn't really matter. Of course since I'm only using Xander and Buffy (sorta) there's not really anything BtVS beyond Xander that I'm borrowing from the TV Series "Buffy The Vampire Slayer".

Summary:What if Xander, somehow, ended up in Blood Gulch Valley? In Green Armor? With Buffy, somehow, as his suit's AI? Set in the beginning of Season 5 of RvB, and Xander from Season 3/4.

_Blood Gulch_

_The Future_

_Just inside the Cave_

"Ooohh... What hit me?" Xander groaned as he rolled over and slowly sat up, holding his pounding head with both hands. Then he suddenly froze as he realized his hands weren't holding his head at all. In fact if felt like some kind of... helmet?

Opening his eyes wide he saw a rock wall, but overlaid on top of that was a H.U.D. showing several different statistics, including the fact that he was wearing full-body armor. He sat there for a full minute, feeling around with his hands, confirming that he was indeed wearing full-body armor, and he even had a pistol, some kind of glowing gun thing, and an RPG. After he'd confirmed all this, he sat there for another minute staying as still as he possibly could. Thirty seconds after that, now fully-panicking, he screamed out loud, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?!"

Since he'd just hurt his ears with his own voice, he began to doubt that he was having some weird Hellmouth-induced nightmare, but then he remembered that he wasn't even supposed to be on the Hellmouth anymore. He was supposed to be on his Road Trip. And he seriously doubted that he'd been playing paint ball and fell asleep after drinking a truck load of alcohol or being possessed for any length of time. Mostly because he didn't drink, and so far his luck with possessions meant he should have been able to remember each and every detail in Dolby Surround Sound.

So that left kidnapping and magic. Kidnapping, which was known to happen on the Hellmouth, was also highly unlikely because no demon, or even his friends, would drop him in a cave somewhere AND equip him with high-tech body armor and a full compliment of modern and advanced weapons. One just wouldn't leave him in a cave without a note, and the other wouldn't give him weapons on principle alone. Which one was which, he'd need some more time clearing his head for.

Magic however...

"Great, just fucking great," he muttered as he got up and walked around his new environment for a few paces. He noticed a shallow depression in the wall that was filled with water, kinda like a drinking fountain almost. He stared at it for a few seconds, not quite trusting it, and surprisingly his HUD came up with the word 'Scanning...' and a moment later reported the water as safe to drink. Shrugging, and not one to argue with High-Tech armor, he stepped over and got a drink, the helmet slipping off easily enough for him to get his drink and then slipped back on.

"OK, now what do I do?" Xander asked himself. Much to his immense surprise, he got an answer.

Well, you could try pulling up your map to find out where the hell we are.

Xander froze for a full thirty seconds, before slowly, carefully slowly, turning 360 degrees all the way around from where he stood. As far as he could see, he was the only one in the cave.

"Who just said that?" he finally asked out loud.

Well, that's kind of tough to answer. At least to where you'll believe me. And for the record, I 'woke up' about six and a half hours before you did, so I've had a bit of time to try and figure things out.

"WHO IS THAT?!" he screamed.

Geez Xan, no need to shout.

The phrase, along with the voice itself caused Xander to freeze all over again, as well as provide him with an overwhelming sense of disbelief to go along with his shock as he whispered the name of the person speaking to him, "Buffy?"

That's my name, don't wear it out! the voice chirped. Part of it was in his head, but mostly it seemed to be coming from the speakers on the inside of his helmet.

"Uh, Buff?" he hesitated.

Yeah?

"Where are you?" he finally asked.

Uh, yeah, see, that's kind of the tough to answer question there, her voice took on that tone the Slayer usually took with her mother when trying to come up with a quick and fast, and dirty lie to give as an excuse for having gotten caught sneaking in after a late patrol around Sunnydale.

"Buffy. I'm in a creepy cave. I'm wearing battle armor I've never seen before, let alone even imagined. I'm carrying enough weapons on me to make an Army Ranger green with envy, and now all of a suddenly you're partly talking to me over the radio and partly talking in my head. I don't need the usual Summers-girl runaround, I just need answers as quickly as possible, so we can get to Giles and figure out what the FUCK is happening to me, OKAY??"

Buffy's voice was silent for a solid minute, but then she suddenly asked, You done yet?

"Yeah, I'm good," Xander replied cheerfully. "So, map?"

Instantly his H.U.D. shifted to the word 'Scanning...' before just as quickly being replaced with a very rough overlay of what looked like a boxed-in canyon with numerous points highlighted on it. His current location was one of those points, but there were also two buildings, what looked like another cave on the other side of the canyon from him, and two spots in the middle that were labeled 'Teleport Points'.

"Doesn't really help," muttered Xander after a full ten minutes of studying the map. "Anyway, back to you Buff. Where are you?"

Uh, well... where are you? asked his friend right back.

"Well, apparently I'm in a side-cavern, also called cave, in the wall of a box-canyon that the map is calling '_Blood Gulch_' and doesn't that name just fill you with the warm fuzzys?" he answered. "And Buffy, if you make me have to ask you one more time, remember I know a few embarrassing stories that I will not hesitate to tell the first stranger I see. Whether that stranger is human or demon still remains to be seen. I'm betting on demon, just to be safe."

Well... said Buffy, It kinda looks like I'm in a cave in the wall of a box-canyon called _Blood Gulch_ apparently.

"You mean the one on the other side?" he questioned.

Nope

"Buffy..." growled Xander dangerously.

I'm... kind of inside the suit of armor Xan. I think I'm the computer program that maintains the armor and everything else in it. Because not only am I getting a lot more information from this thing than you are, I'm also seeing everything you're seeing and I'm getting a full read on your stats too.

After a full minutes silence, Xander softly spoke, "You're in my head?"

I'm in the suit's computer. And I think you might have some new cybernetic implants now that I'm looking so... uh, yeah I'm in your head, and the armor, answered Buffy.

"How can you be a computer program if you're Buffy?" demanded Xander.

Not sure. I just know that I woke up about six and a half hours ago, couldn't move, and the only thing I can see are the same readouts that you're seeing. Then you started regaining consciousness, and the lights started to come on, so to speak, and now I'm seeing what you're seeing plus a bunch of computer gibbering Willow would be better at understanding.

"How the heck could you be a computer program?!" he repeated, but now convinced she _was_ his friend Buffy, and not some kind of rogue AI pretending to be her. No computer is _that_ insufferably illogical.

Don't know. From what I've learned while I was waiting for you to wake up, he smothered a grin at her exasperated tone, The guy that's supposed to be wearing this armor is Master Chief Brendan and he's a Free Lancer of the UNSC Spartan Division, SPEC OPS. Oh, and here's something interesting, he's supposed to have a specialized AI equipped with him, designated _Beta_. I'm quoting here by the way. Oh, huh, that's interesting...

"What is?"

Well, it's just that as a quote/unquote "special" AI, apparently Beta, that being me for the moment, has the ability to augment Master Chief's, being you, physical performance to superhuman levels far beyond anything else recorded. Translated from Giles and Willow speak, I think that means that because I'm your AI, you get Slayer powers.

"OK, not hating that part, but anything in that computer thing about how we got here, or better yet, how to get home?"

Silence.

"Buffy?"

"Buffy?

"BUFFY!"

I'm _looking_! she snapped at him.

"I thought you said you've been at this for six hours?" he snapped back.

I said I woke up six hours ago not able to do anything. Not exactly my proudest moment as the Slayer, so I panicked for a while... for about four hours. Besides, I couldn't actually get access to these computer files until you woke up, and now that you're actually asking for stuff, it seems I'm getting more and more access, so if you wouldn't mind, Mister Impatient, I'm _looking_!

"OK, OK, don't have to bite my head off. I'll take a look around while you're 'looking'," he growled.

Looking around consisted of him walking in a circle around the fountain, until he finally noticed the opening in the cave, and he could even see sunlight and blue sky from where he stood. "Oh look, I found the Exit," he mocked his friend.

Xander? Shut up, she growled at him.

Chuckling to himself, Xander quickly made his way out the cave exit and found himself standing at the edge and more or less in the center of some kind of canyon or valley. Walking away from the canyon wall, he finally caught sight of a few things that began to answer a number of his questions.

"Uh, Buffy, not to rush you or anything, but... this hi-tech armor I'm wearing, it wouldn't happen to have some way of telling us the date, would it? As in, the year?" he asked, his voice faltering.

Actually, yes. I wasn't going to tell you that part, she confessed.

"Any luck on _where_ we are yet?" he pestered her.

Blood Gulch valley. Front line training area for Spartan Commando Units, codenamed "Red Army" and "Blue Army" with numerous hostile incursions and war games to keep the soldiers in fighting condition. Hunh... Y'know, these aliens, the "enemy" that we're supposed to be fighting, they kind of look like those Retsoor Tooth demons we fought back in High School. Anyway, there are no standing orders in the computer files here, so we don't actually have to do anything that we don't want to...

"But?"

No clue on how we got here, or how to get home, she admitted.

"PERFECT!" he screamed. Unfortunately, it seemed that he had his speaker on as he did so, as his shout echoed throughout the entire canyon. Wincing at his sudden breach of stealth, he whispered, "Think anybody heard that?"

He got his answer pretty quickly when, from either end of the valley, a lot of motion suddenly started heading for his position. From one side a large tank was rolling straight for him, being flanked by a few guys in armor the same as his, only different colors, running alongside it. From the other side, a dune buggy jeep with a mounted machine gun, with at least three more armored guys sitting in it was making good time. Some idiot in _pink_ armor was running along behind them, apparently screaming for them to wait up and slow down.

Ironically enough, both groups seemed to reach his position at roughly the same time, and while they all looked at him first, their attention immediately went straight to each other, and the guns all came out and pointed across the way with him in the exact middle.

"Ah, whoa, whoa, whoa!" he shouted, waving his hands to lower the weapons. "Did I miss something here? We're kind of all wearing the same armor, right? How about _not_ killing each other?"

"That's what I've been trying to get them to do," the guy in the purple armor whined. He sounded like kind of a pansy ass wuss to Xander.

"DIBS!" the ones in royal red armor and light blue armor screamed at the exact same time.

"I saw him first!" light blue claimed.

"Well, that's just too bad," royal red growled, sounding a bit like your stereotypical Southern accent Drill Sergeant from Army movies. "Cause we got here first, and I called dibs! Double dibs! HAH! See what I just did there, I called double dibs! And under..."

"Uh, EXCUSE ME!" Xander screamed, making sure his speaker was at max volume. "But who the HELL are you people? What the FUCK am I doing here? And WHY ARE YOU STILL POINTING YOUR GUNS AT ME?!" The guns were immediately lowered and the tank turned it's turret away. "Thank you!"

"Now, will someone _please_ explain to me what the hell is going on here?" he asked them.

"Well," the one in orange armor commented, "basically, we're all in the worst place in the universe where the days are always the same, the company sucks, the living conditions are crap, and we've all died multiple times and nothing ever changes. Ever. Welcome to Hell."

"That explains a lot," Xander and Buffy said together.

"Whoa, was that I woman? I heard a woman! Bow chikka wow wow," the one in teal armor made some lewd gestures. Until the one in black armor turned around and shot him point blank. "Ow. Chikka wow wow!" She shot him again.

"You. Should. Not. Say. Such. Things. When. Tex. Is. Around. Tucker," the one in royal blue armor told the now mortally injured one laying on the ground. He sounded rather... slow, to Xander.

"Right..." Xander slowly started backing away. If they were all this crazy, he really didn't want to hang around them for too long. And he doubted that he even wanted to be near the one in pink armor!

"Hey B, hey Xan, how's it hanging?" Ms. Black armor turned and asked them.

"Hey Faith," he greeted her back, the he stopped and did a double-take, "Wait! What?"

END!


End file.
